personal – tenaci.dd

For anyone who doesn’t know, Lent is a season of observance in many Christian churches that starts on Ash Wednesday and ends a little more than six weeks later on Easter Sunday. Lent is considered a time of preparation, and in many church traditions people choose to fast (often sweets or meat, except for fish on Fridays) or deny themselves in some other way, as a way of encouraging greater dependence on God, thus growing stronger in their faith. Though I honor people’s observance of the Lenten season, I have never once given up sweets for forty whole days, and I only eat fish about twice a year. That is not to say that I have never fasted anything, but it is to say that I have thankfully found some alternative ways to “get closer to God” for when fasting is not right for me.

So now that you are all up to date about my feelings about Lent, let me tell you about this year. This year, Lent started last week, but I hadn’t been thinking of it at all until recently. Like many of you, I have been in survival mode since the beginning of the pandemic, and the last thing I had considered was giving anything up. However, a former classmate of mine , who started coming to our church (online) and has become member from a distance and regular participant ever since last March, tagged me in a Facebook post, asking about fasting for Lent. My response was pretty much, “You can do what you want, but I likely won’t be giving up anything.”

At this point some of you may be thinking that I am kind of un-spiritual for a pastor, and sometimes that is true. Often though, I am just more unconventional than actually unspiritual. And here’s why: After my interaction with my former classmate, I thought about how much I had admired them for wanting to press in to their faith. I valued their seeking input from both me and their own interaction with God about what they may want to give up during this time.

I have a history of reframing the idea of “fasting” into “choosing to add”. You will not likely hear much about my issues around food and fasting on this blog, but they exist, so Lent will likely never involve choices regarding food for me, and if they do, I will keep that to myself. This year, however, after some classmate-induced contemplation, I have chosen to “add”. And the thing I am “adding” is this blog.

I have sat on the idea for this blog since this fall, when I was trying to come up with ideas to augment our finances. I did the research on how to start a blog, etc. and named the blog tenaci.dd, (because that’s my name when we play Jackbox video games as a family (and I think it’s pretty great!). Then I sat on it for a long time because it turns out that setting up and writing a successful blog is extremely complicated!

Other than the technical stuff, the biggest thing that was holding me back was my own perfectionism. Unless you know me really well, you may not recognize me as a perfectionist because some many of the things that I do or make are so far from perfect. For years I didn’t even think I was a “perfectionist” because I was too busy comparing myself to people who were “more perfect than I” in so many ways. I just thought they were “perfectionist”, and I was a “mediocre-ist”, until I realized that that thought was a thought that only a perfectionist might have. I have since come to understand myself to be a “frustrated perfectionist who wishes she could be the best at everything in the world and is coming to terms with the impossibility of perfection itself, and is trying to have grace for when that feels like a really unfair truth.” And yes, sometimes that takes a lot of energy!

This leads me to the part where I had to talk about all of this in therapy. Thanks, Classmate! So I told my therapist that I am going to launch my blog for Lent in solidarity with my classmate and millions of faithful Christians in the church universal around the world. And I’d like to share a bit of our conversation with you, just in case other perfectionists happen across this blog because I found it to be pretty helpful. If you are not a perfectionist, then you may at least better understand why people like me procrastinate, if that is ever an option.

My therapist asked, “So what do you need to “give up” in order to launch your blog?”
I answered, “Perfectionism.”
They asked me to state a belief that is centered in perfectionism that is most related to this blog.

I stated, “If I cannot be the best at something, then it is a waste of time to even try.” What is interesting about this statement is that for so many things, I have had to try and do things at which I know very well that I am not the best; yet I think because this blog was only an option-I wasn’t forced to do it, I could let the belief hold me back.
So the “fasting” statement is, “I’m giving up the belief that if I cannot be the best at something, that it is a waste of time to even try.”

Then my therapist asked me to create an intention-statement. I am using this statement as my “add” for Lent this year: “I will be faithful to who I am each day.”

I have an enormous value in living congruent to who I am, so this is not a stretch, but being vulnerable in the imperfection is. (I may know how imperfect and insecure I am, but it is not often that I flaunt it!) I am a type 1 on the enneagram (I will write about that sometime), which means my dominant motivation in life is to do what is right. This means for me perfection, which is the ideal “right” is about safety, and mistakes can be terrifying, especially if not met with grace. Grace is key to dismantling perfectionism. If I can attach “doing right” to “having grace to be me-allowing for my imperfect-self to shine,” instead of perfectionism, then (Voila’!) I can move forward. Yay!

I can join in both the “giving up” and “adding” of Lent, and I can lean into my own spirituality and faith to help lead the way in what I write. I may not write on here every day, but I am committed to being consistent in writing regularly. I’m hoping these next forty days or so will build a habit of writing in me that will last into the future, all the way until I’m out of things to share!

If perfectionism has ever been a roadblock for anyone reading this post, I hope these thoughts may offer you encouragement today. Sometimes it is good to remember that you matter (period), without measure. Whether or not you are observing Lent or ever even heard of such a thing, today can begin a season of learning how to experience grace. “Giving yourself grace” means appreciating and accepting who you are and giving your life your best go, even if you don’t achieve a mythical ideal. “Giving grace to others means” allowing people to be good enough, when you know they are trying their best, instead of measuring then with the awful, critical tool that has been threatening your peace for far too long. “Experiencing grace in a situation” is when you come to the end of yourself, but something from outside yourself is added to help you get through. Grace by all three definitions is like when you exhale after a deep breath, especially if you’ve been holding that breath a long time!

I am grateful to my former classmate, whose faith and whose own grace-walk has inspired me. I’m actually getting excited to see this journey unfold, as I blog for Lent and beyond! Thank you for joining me on these first few steps.

I have never been especially great at trying to define myself, but for the purpose of this page, I will give it my best shot!

I am a wife and mom. I have been married for almost thirty years and have four amazing, adult kids (three boys, and a girl); one is married; one engaged and out of the house; two still live with us. When I was a child, I wanted to grow up to be a wife and mom, and by the time I was twenty-four years old, I was able to check off both of those boxes. Though I earned a degree in elementary education, I stayed home with my kids during most of their early years and homeschooled them for part of that time. I loved the solidarity my kids and I experienced during those years, and yet I appreciated the experience they got once they entered public school. I also enjoyed the freedom our family had to travel and spend time together during those years. You can look forward to hearing more about our family experiences here.

I am also a pastor. My husband and I c0-pastor a small church in our town, where I have also overseen our youth ministry. I enjoy wrapping my mind around theological concepts, and I am learning to appreciate the notion that trying to understand God and His ways often yields way more questions than answers. One of my greatest passions in ministry has been to help people experience the healing of wounds from their pasts and begin to experience more life in their present moments. My experience in this area has been the most significant contributor in growing my own faith.

I can also say I walk through life as an artist. Though I don’t have the talent in the fine arts to produce many masterpieces, but I see the world, both the beauty and the terror through all of my senses, and I love to create in many different ways. I sometimes write poetry, and I like to paint and crochet sometimes. When the weather is nice, I like to garden and tend to the small ponds in my yard. Creating new spaces to see beauty and nature in my yard is a way I do art. When it is too cold to create spaces outside, I will find a room in my house to redecorate. Even cooking is like art to me.

Another way I identify is as a learner. I love researching and learning new things! Discovery is another kind of adventure for me! I will usually include learning in other multi-task activities. Even when I binge-watch detective or medical drama series, learning is part of my criteria for entertainment. Learning adds both to knowledge and perspective and provides more angles through which to navigate my life. I am glad to have this space to share big and small things I have learned.

Finally, I identify as a friend. Though my circle has always been very small, those with whom I have shared intimate friendships have been invaluable to providing the solidarity and “iron sharpening iron”-ness that have both made me a better me and have added to the richness of my life. Friendship is a big part of my relationship with my husband and kids (and daughter-in law and daughter-in law to be), and I have been deeply impacted by some of the other people, who have breached my small island over the years and whom I have had the honor of calling friends.

I feel like my purpose in life is to make the world a better place. Having friends in this endeavor, which isn’t always easy, broadens my experience of both the goals and the sometimes lengthy processes undertaken, in order to achieve the goals, set by this purpose. I love hearing their perspective of shared experiences, and I want to hear their input, when making plans. I love discovering new things with others, and I sometimes need others who are strong enough to push back against the waves of my intensity, with either laughter or encouragement, new ways of thinking about things, and the occasional rebuke.

Whereas my personality is intense and driven, my heart is very soft and open. I have learned so much about friendship and how to engage in healthy relationships over the years, including how to love well with good boundaries. I am happy to share stories, thoughts and advice here.

Our extended family includes two dogs, two cats, and several freshwater fish and shrimp.

I read a lot of psychology books, theology books, social justice books, and occasionally a novel. I am also a certified teacher, so I’m signed up to substituted teach at the high school level. I like to watch birds, squirrels, and all the other nature that is my back yard and ponds, and even on vacations, prioritize ways to experience nature. I really enjoy sitting around and visiting with others, when the opportunity arises. I will do projects or activities, but I don’t care to be busy; so whereas I am listing interests and duties, please don’t think I am doing all of these things at once. I am far from being an overachiever.

I’m sure you will get to know me more, as this blog-adventure continues to unfold. Mostly I want you to know that you can relax and feel welcomed and accepted in this space, as you read the things I post. Maybe in some ways you may also be inspired, or learn, or grow or find comfort through what I share, which flows from who I am.